maybe i'm just in love when you wake me up

celeryandhummus: our kids will probably attend a middle school dance where the theme is the...

Fri, 24 May 2013 06:39:12 -0400

our kids will probably attend a middle school dance where the theme is the 2010’s

they’ll wear leggings with ugg boots and twerk to “call me maybe”

nahshaw: i went out to eat lunch with my mom and i forgot what a knife was called so i asked the...

Fri, 24 May 2013 06:39:08 -0400

nahshaw:

i went out to eat lunch with my mom and i forgot what a knife was called so i asked the waitress for “one of those things that you use to stab people with”

janetdevlinoffic: Always remember that you are not worthless, organs are extremely expensive on the...

Fri, 24 May 2013 06:39:01 -0400

janetdevlinoffic:

Always remember that you are not worthless, organs are extremely expensive on the black market

at least i can admit i’m a piece of shit

Fri, 24 May 2013 06:39:00 -0400

at least i can admit i’m a piece of shit

youmeatsixual: one time my sister told me about this kid with a horrible peanut allergy who...

Fri, 24 May 2013 06:38:43 -0400

youmeatsixual:

one time my sister told me about this kid with a horrible peanut allergy who wouldn’t shut up and then the teacher turned around and was like “maybe if i shove a peanut down your throat you’ll shut up” and the whole class just went silent

Photo

Thu, 23 May 2013 21:56:00 -0400

(via hipsters-eat-my-shit, holymaurymotherofgod)

Wed, 22 May 2013 23:23:50 -0400

(via hipsters-eat-my-shit, holymaurymotherofgod)

(I’m running errands for my pregnant wife. While walking to a nearby store, I see two teenagers harassing a child that is only four or five years old. I shoo them away from the boy, and he introduces himself.)

Wed, 22 May 2013 23:22:29 -0400

(I’m running errands for my pregnant wife. While walking to a nearby store, I see two teenagers harassing a child that is only four or five years old. I shoo them away from the boy, and he introduces himself.)

Me: “So, where’s your mom at?”

Boy: “She’s in the store. Do you have kids?”

Me: “Not yet. We’re expecting a baby girl soon, though.”

Boy: “Well, she’s going to turn out nice, like you! So, I’m going to marry her someday!”

(I laugh, and play along while I bring him to the service desk, and wait until his mom picks him up. Six years later, my daughter comes home from school and introduces us to a friend that defended her against a bully on the playground. I didn’t recognize him, but he certainly knew who I was!)